What "song"​ are you singing underneath your words?

Credit: Jopwell

Credit: Jopwell

Are you listening to me? Is the age-old question of any heated discussion at work or home. The root of that question is “did you understand what I need based on what I said?” Experts agree that listening is essential to the leadership process yet staff rarely receive training on this important skill. Seeing the detrimental impact on teams that fail to listen to each other, inspired me to write a blog on the power of listening to the song beneath our words. Learning this skill can revolutionize your personal and professional communication.

What is the song beneath our words?

Coined by adaptive leadership expert, Ronald Heifetz, the song beneath our words describes understanding the meaning of the message beyond one’s spoken words. After years of studying the change process, he found underneath each person’s spoken word lies a deeper understanding of their needs. In my own work, I modified this practice by coaching clients to pay attention to the behavioral cues along with the verbal and non-verbal cues. Experience taught me that it is the culmination of tracking those three areas that helps one fully understand the song beneath our words and how to proceed in a manner that fosters mutual understanding. When communicating, each of us has a song beneath our words that provides diagnostic clues on how to support, love, and lead us. 

Three Keys on How to Listen for the Song

Our songs sing sweet melodies of the precious words we want to convey yet withhold due to a variety of reasons including lack of psychological safety, fear and doubt thinking, etc. The three keys to successfully listening for the song beneath our words are presence, self-awareness, and intentionality. Eliminating physical and mental distractions allow us to hear the song and become fully present in the conversation. Full presence increases our self awareness to discern if the person’s verbal, non-verbal, and behavioral cues align with their message. More importantly, being self-aware of your own “stuff” reduces the chances of projecting your biases and thus misinterpreting the song. Presence and self-awareness builds your confidence to know when to intentionally check in with the other person to make sure you fully understood them. An intentional check-in might include paraphrasing what you heard or asking “If I understood the song beneath your words...” This allows the speaker to confirm or adjust your interpretation of their song. It also teaches another person how to use “song beneath our words” as a listening tool. I’ve avoided unintentional conflict AND handled conflict more effectively by checking for songs. 

My Challenge to You

Part 1: This week, pay attention to the songs beneath your words. Ask yourself, “what is the message under my message?” Does what I’m communicating accurately represent my needs for love, care, and support? 

Part 2: Pay attention to the songs beneath the words of others. In what manner does it communicate how to love, support, and lead them? Use the 3 keys to practice your understanding of their songs.

Let me know how it goes! Leave your questions and thoughts in the comments section.

With love and solidarity, 

Dr. Annice E. Fisher 

Founder, The BEE FREE Woman & Developing Capacity Coaching, LLC

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